Reflections of a Working Parent: On Identity and Connection
Oversubscribed Newsletter. Season: Back to School 2025. Article by Amanda McGovern, PhD
Reflections of a Working Parent: On Identity and Connection
by Amanda McGovern
I recently attended a moms-night-out for moms of incoming middle schoolers at our community middle school. Initially, people clustered in their comfort groups with moms they knew from their elementary school, in a way that was reminiscent of my own middle school experience. As the night progressed, the co-mingling commenced. I was struck by how these conversations unfolded. They purely centered around our fifth-grader. Is your son/daughter excited about middle school? What sports/activities are they involved in? Did they apply for student leadership or ambassadors? We all went around in a circle and shared our answers. I realized that at the end of the two-hour event, I did not know one thing about these women. I knew that one woman’s son swam for the Gators and applied for the spirit team, but not one defining attribute about her. This experience made me wonder, where’s the depth? Have we become less curious or interested in each other? Why do we stay so safe and are reluctant to share with each other?
I find some of this relates to the loss of our own identities. Parenthood can be an all-encompassing role, where the demands cause us to lose aspects of ourselves. We lack time to pursue our hobbies and interests as well as pivot away from certain relationships. Furthermore, even the pursuit of these interests conjure up guilt that we can not tolerate at times. When my son was born, I remember how guilty I felt attending an hour long yoga class after being at work, away from him all day. We stop prioritizing ourselves and shift all of that attention to the parenthood role.
During the fifth-grade moms-night-out, I was also struck by our lack of curiosity in each other. As all of these moms provided superficial details about their fifth-grader, I wondered about the lives of these women. They all had years of life before the arrival of their 11-year-old–so who were they? Are we no longer curious about one another? According to Scott Shigeoka, we are living in an “era of incuriosity”. In his book, Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World, Shigeoka shares that our society lacks engagement in deep curiosity. He defines deep curiosity as the desire to know as a force for connection and transformation. When you bring deep curiosity to the conversation, the conversation becomes more personal and you become more invested, which can lead to more meaningful interactions and valuable connections.
Another factor that may have also contributed to my own lack of engagement that evening is fear of vulnerability. When others are more guarded and not sharing aspects of themselves, we mirror that behavior. I find that aging as well as motherhood have prompted more exploration of myself. I want to have authentic relationships with people who are also willing to share all parts of themselves. I had this experience recently when I showed up to a soccer game, obviously frazzled, running from work and managing the impossible summer schedule. I shared my exasperation with some of the moms who were gathered on the sidelines. I noticed that as I expressed my own feelings, other moms opened up and shared their feelings about summer. The conversation shifted from our identity as soccer moms to our journeys as individuals. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen.
These reflections reminded me of the importance of the following:
Reclaim pieces of our identity: Parenthood isn’t about sacrificing ourselves but about integrating this new role into our identity. This new role will enrich the parts of ourselves that existed before. Rediscover those interests, hobbies, aspirations, and passions and set time aside for exploration of them.
Turn towards deep curiosity: I personally love Scott Shigeoka’s DIVE model for deep curiosity. This model stands for Detach, Intend, Value, and Embrace. Detach encourages us to let go of our assumptions, biases, and certainty of others. Intend means to be deliberate about cultivating a curious mindset and environment. Value calls us to see the dignity of every person including ourselves and Embrace urges us to welcome the challenging times. So see which one of these deep curiosity muscles speaks to you and how you can practice. For me, during my next community engagement, I intend to show up with some open-ended, interesting, genuine, and appropriate questions to practice deep curiosity.
Lean into vulnerability: as Brene Brown reminds me, “vulnerability is not weakness.” By embracing vulnerability, we move past fear of judgment and shame, allowing for greater courage, growth and meaningful relationships. Living by your values, asking for help, and sharing your thoughts and feelings openly are just a few ways to be vulnerable everyday.
Shigeoka, S. (2023). Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World. Balance.