Reclaiming Balance in the Home
Oversubscribed Newsletter
Season: Q5 2025
Reflection + Celebration
Article by Amanda McGovern, PhD & Megan Hughes, PhD
The Influence of Gender Norms in Household Labor Practices
In times of higher household and extended family demands, like the celebration season, gender inequality in the home can feel more apparent. Prompted by our work as therapists and challenges in our own lives, this article presents some facts about gender inequality followed by strategies to address any imbalance in your own home. We know families come in all shapes and sizes, so if you don’t have a partner, consider how gender norms may be impacting your role in your extended family and larger community.
Dual income couples have increased from 25 to 60 percent since the 1970s but the 35/65 division of labor at home in male-female couples has remained consistent (Mangino, 2022).
Working mothers today spend as many hours taking care of their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.
Women perform the majority of unpaid household tasks, which include physical (e.g., cleaning, childcare), emotional (e.g., supporting kids through difficult moments), and cognitive (e.g., anticipating who needs what, planning, and scheduling) domains.
Gender norms are a social construct that have been passed down from generation to generation through role modeling and reinforcement (Mangino, 2022). Gender norms can cause psychological harm to women, prevent men from emotional connection and exclude them from the reward of caregiving experiences, and cause economic harm for the family by interfering with women’s advancement at work (Mangino, 2022).
Interestingly, male-female couples explain the imbalanced division of household cognitive labor as due to personality differences, as opposed to attributing this inequality to traditional gender stereotypes (Daminger, 2025). In one study* of male-female couples, women were identified as ‘type-A’ and their surgeon and project manager husbands were described as “laid-back ‘Bumblers’ who lacked sufficient planning skills” (Daminger, 2025, p. 10). It was as if “when men deploy their problem-solving and planning skills at the office, they fail to recognize how those same skills might be useful at home” (Daminger, 2025, p. 97).
In the same study, queer couples were more likely than male-female couples to have discussed their cognitive load split and were also more willing to make adjustments for the future. Daminger hypothesized that the queer couples in her sample may have been less hampered by the social forces of a traditional gender role binary, and can act as a useful model to male-female couples for how to manage the division of household labor more equitably (Daminger, 2025).
What Can We Do?
With recommendations from Mangino, Daminger and Eve Rodsky, we detail below different strategies that may help families consider any imbalances in their household load, and suggestions for addressing them. Every family can find a balance that works for them, but let’s all explore the ways in which gender might be informing our choices.
In advance
On your own, identify your values (how you want to show up) related to your family’s household labor division. (Our values list in this article, might be helpful to review). Also consider the dialectic of dependability versus achievement here and how it may be influencing your roles at home.
Identify your family’s current household labor split, taking into account physical labor, but also emotional and cognitive. Consider what adjustment you would want to ask for. What’s the task you dread each week? Maybe your partner wouldn’t mind taking it on.
To be most effective, plan these conversations for times when you are both most likely to be well-rested, well-fed, and at relatively lower stress levels. This will help you show up in a willing, psychologically flexible mood. Even consider planning special time outside the home to have these conversations.
Be mindful of gatekeeping. We may at times want to do things a certain way and struggle with relinquishing control. If this is the case, our partners will be unable to take on that task and if they do, they may feel criticized and unappreciated. If you want to pass a task along, it’s important to tolerate the discomfort of having your partner do the task in their own way. There will be bumps in the road, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.
2. During the conversations
Come together to identify what changes to make. (Here’s where Eve Rodsky’s “Fair Play” cards may come in handy). For the tasks that nobody wants to take on, how can you equitably distribute them, considering whether the default is actually what’s best for your situation. Rodsky also suggests that each partner takes full ownership of their own tasks, including conception, planning, and execution. For example, the person responsible for the garbage each week needs to know the garbage schedule, plan to put trash cans out in time, refill garbage bags in garbage cans, keep track of garbage bag supply, and order new garbage bags.
Engage in open, honest conversations about gender. What are the ways in which societal forces have impacted the cognitive labor load each partner takes on? These conversations examine whether the person who is taking on more at this time is actually uniquely suited to those tasks, or whether societal influences may be impacting their willingness in taking on those roles.
3. Implementation
Create routines and communicate about logistics. Be honest if someone’s schedule makes them unable to commit to certain pickups and dropoffs, and identify ways in which they can take on other household labor instead. Since my partner has unpredictable work hours, I have adjusted my work hours to always be available for school pick-up. Further, communicating about logistics also helps partners remain connected and on the same page.
Prioritize spending time together as a couple and as a family. Time together invests money in the relationship bank. A full relationship bank account can decrease resentment when a partner’s busy travel schedule means extra household labor for the other partner.
Build your village. If you are lucky enough to have family nearby that is willing to help, lean on them. If it’s feasible, outsource household tasks that nobody wants to take on…and do so without guilt. Call on neighbors to share the load of dropoffs for school. Cut back on extracurriculars and let your kids get bored.
Practice self-compassion first. When household demands are leading to frustration, consider trying out these evidence-based self-care practices. These are thorny issues, and you’ll be in the best position to advocate for changes if you are taking care of your own emotional needs first.
If you are interested in reading more, check out these books:
Equal Partners by Kate Mangino
Fair Play book and cards by Eve Rodsky
What’s on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life by Allison Daminger
*Daminger’s sample was not representative of the US population. The couples were primarily middle- or upper-class, white, and US-born.